Personal Paranormal Experience, part 2: Something In the Dark

(Transferred from the blog Spirit Facet)
I think everyone will have ghostly experiences in their lifetime. Some are not very dramatic and will easily get passed on with excuses. Others are indisputably paranormal. In this three part series, I will reveal to you what things have convinced me there is another form of existence beyond the human realm.

I first read about lucid dreaming when I was 13.  The idea of being in some control of my dreams intrigued me so much that I put it into practice.  I got to a point where I could retain some conscious awareness that I was dreaming, and therefore experience it for an entertaining value.  I didn't always do this, but most of the time I was successful.  If a dream wasn't going the way I liked, I would change it.  If it got real bad, I'd tell myself to wake up.  Simple lucid dreaming experience.

A couple of years into this, at age 15, my dreams gave me a new experience.  Something I wish I could forget.  I was asleep, doing my thing with lucid dreaming, when at a moment I felt that I wasn't alone.   My conscious part of myself was alarmed.  I looked around my dream and found something in my dream, watching me.  It was a dark and very ominous being.  It had such a heavy feeling of dread that the sense emanated through everything around it.  There was no mistaking that it was not a part of my standard dream. It was separate from me. It was watching me.  After some work, I forced myself awake. 

The being of dread was like a silhouette of a tall man.  There was nothing distinct about its shape.  Just blackness.  A blackness that no light could pass through or illuminate. The only other feature was the eyes.  They were a glowing gold.  The light seemed to be coming from within.

The next night I experienced the same thing.  This thing invaded my dream.  I would be minding my own business, sleeping and dreaming, when again my consciousness felt the presence, and found the source of my terror.  This shadow being was no good.  I experienced this for several nights in a row, until one night when I was just refusing to fall asleep.

I didn't want another visitation.  I was too afraid to fall asleep.  This thing would not leave me alone and I felt that if I could break the chain of sleep for even one night, it would lose interest and go away.  So I stayed up, reading in my room. 

Then I felt it.

The heavy weight of dread was the first thing that caught my attention.  I reluctantly looked in the direction of the source.  Across to the other corner of my room was the dark shadow and the glowing eyes.  My internal alarm spiked.  I grabbed my blankets, covered myself with them, and went into a tight fetal position.  Looking back I'm not entirely sure why I didn't run out of my room.  Perhaps it was because that would have taken me physically closer to it, perhaps it is because I didn't want me to follow me out and pester my family.  Rather I hid in the bed like a small child  This thing terrified me.

While I hid I felt it watching me.  Just standing there, filling me with fear, the same as it did while it was in my dreams.  I closed my eyes so tight and prayed for sleep.  I felt that sleep would at least put me in a level playing field.  This thing did not belong in my physical space.

Eventually I escaped into sleep. 

It never came back.

I didn't tell people about this experience for years as I feared this dark thing would sense I was talking about it and come back.  I searched for answers as to what this being was.  A simple 'demon' answer just wasn't good enough for me.  I finally got to a point where I could tell a few people about it.  A good friend of mine who was a Druid high priest said he felt it was a psychic vampire, and he told me it couldn't physically harm me, it was just trying to keep me from my potential.  Still not certain this was it, I continued my research.  I have come across stories of shadow people, but most aren't described quite like this.  I did once come across a girl telling the same type of experience on a discussion forum, and she was the same age I was when I experienced it.  I have gotten more comfortable sharing the story, but I still feel some uneasiness.  Sharing this story is a big step for me.  Perhaps it could help someone else out who has also experienced a visitation from a being like this. 

Personal Paranormal Experience, part1: Being of Light

(Transferred from the blog Spirit Facet)
I think everyone will have ghostly experiences in their lifetime. Some are not very dramatic and will easily get passed on with excuses. Others are indisputably paranormal. In this three part series, I will reveal to you what things have convinced me there is another form of existence beyond the human realm.

My first experience isn't actually with a ghost. I'm not sure if my second one was either (read it to see what I mean). However, it is paranormal in nature, and it firmly sets in my stronghold in an afterlife.

 I was 14. Something bright woke me from my sleep. I looked at the foot of my bed to see a figure that was strongly illuminated. In most circumstances a light that bright would cause me to close my eyes and look away. However, this light didn't cause any strife to my vision. It was welcoming. In the light was a figure, dressed in light blue, and with golden hair. I could not tell you with certainty if it was male. I felt so comfortable, surrounded by love, and a yearning to hold it. So I jumped up and gave it a hug.

I don't know the amount of time I spent with this being. Time didn't exist. It conversed with me. It wasn't in the normal way that you and I talk, which is with our mouths. It was as though I heard it in my head and understood it with my heart. I could feel a slight pulling connection from the center of my head and the center of my heart with this being. I cannot remember the specifics of our conversation. I am certain that I am not meant to remember that.  My memory of my experience is dominated with the sense of the conversation, not the words.

There was only one thing I was allowed to remember. At the end of our conversation, it said, "Everything will be OK." This message was ambiguous. It referred to my life, and to everything in existence. After saying this, he gently touched my head, which I responded to by laying back down to sleep. When I awoke in the morning I felt an odd sense of being drained, as though I had been crying all night. However, what was in the place of the feeling of being drained was a very strong feeling of love. It is difficult to convey exactly how I felt, but this is the best I can come up with.

The message played over and over in my head "Everything will be OK." I keep that message with me. It is comforting.

This message is also for you.

In the beginning

(Transferred from the blog Spirit Facet)

When it comes to religion, I was raised on a clean slate. My parents never talked with me about religious ideals. I was on my own.

When I was a child I found this extremely difficult, especially since I grew up in a state where 80% of the population belongs to one church. Religion is very surfaced in the culture of Utah. The first thing people asked me when first meeting me was "What ward do you belong in?" (A ward is a designated congregation in the LDS church). The parents of my peers would use me and my family as an example of people who will not get the rewards promised to them by God. The people of this culture related with others upon their religious affiliation. This forced me to try to find some sort of religious identity at a very young age.

I have always had a love within me of God, regardless of how people used God as an excuse to judge me. I remember solemnly revering Jesus on Christmas Eve, though in my family it was simply a secular holiday. The Mormon view of God was my only outside influence for the earliest part of my life.

I was fascinated by Greek mythology when we read the stories in elementary school. It is so much a part of me that the only tattoo I have is of Medusa. I would consider this my first introduction of religious thought other than Christian.

Since then I have read many religious and spiritual writings, been held captive to shows about religion, fascinated by what was historical and current mythology, seeking to know the common strain and to understand the core of those around me. I have learned so much, and continue to have my eyes opened further than I ever expected.

I now realize what I perceived as a difficulty has actually been a great gift. My path has been completely of my own choosing, without any force to go down another road. This clean slate from my family is a gift for which I am grateful. 

My current beliefs are from various sources and eclectic.  They are strong in their foundation, though I am ever curious.  I like to learn spiritual truths within the world's religions.  I find that learning about religious beliefs and practices grows my understanding of both humanity and 'Universal Spirit'.  I also have witnessed that each belief contains parts of the whole of what the Great Spirit is, hence every religion is a Spirit facet.

For years I have wanted to write down what thoughts race through my head. This is that outlet. I also want to share with you experiences of different faiths and paths that I come across. I seek never to convert, only to share what has been shared with me. I hope through this you will gain more to grow in the light of Supreme Love.

Blessed be your eternal Self,
Heather

Goodby Norma Jean

(Transferred from the old blog The Egan Initiative)

My Grandmother Norma Jean Barnes was laid to rest yesterday. I would like to share some of my fondest memories of her.

We didn't get to visit with Grandma too often while growing up. My family lives all over the US. Grandma Jean and Grandpa Larry lived in the Texas side of Texarkana. My earliest memory of her involves being in Wendover at the age of 3 before my sister was born. The memory is vague, though I sure remember the sounds and lights of the casino.

Years later when I was 12 we had a small family reunion of sorts at our house. The funnest part of the trip was when Grandma took us to the Sports Park for go cart racing. She kicked all of our butts! It is still funny in my mind to see her whipping around the corners. She had mentioned wanting to go bungee jumping but that never quite happened. ;)

For Thanksgiving in 2001 we all got together in Texarkana. She worked so hard at putting together a TON of food...so much we had a large buffet that could have easily fed the whole block. She made 28 pies! That made it almost 2 for each of us. Recently my sister was telling me how during Thanksgiving dinner she flashed everybody. I happened to miss this, though a few days after Thanksgiving she flashed me telling me that is what I have to look forward to when I get older, ha ha. She loved calling me & herself Dallas Cheerleaders because of our 'shape'. She told me her favorite photo of me was an image I got for my 21st birthday in which my face was imposed on a pro cheerleaders body.

She enjoyed music and dancing. While the whole family went bowling on that 2001 trip, she and I would dance on the walkway. I loved how she encouraged a fun and unique spirit.

Ryan and I stopped by to visit Grandma & Grandpa on our move from Utah to Florida in 2004. She loved cats and had the opportunity to meet my dear cat Morrissey. When Morrissey passed away just a few weeks later, she greatly helped me through it. Her last few years were plagued by pain & surgery after surgery. I am glad she no longer has to go through all of that and can be happy and at peace. I'm sure she is up there enjoying the company of Morrissey and my other recently passed cat Sneekers, whom she adored.

I enjoyed our conversations and her quirkiness. I will miss that.


Peace and love to you, Grandma Jean. We had some great times.

Farewell LOST

(Transferred from the old blog The Egan Initiative)

I am still emotional after watching the LOST series finale last night. I can best grasp it is from a combination of the actual events of the show, and that there will be no more. It is a period of mourning and of satisfaction...the last episode hit home that investing myself into this show has been more than worth it.

Anyone with some idea of the stories in Lost would immediately recognize that we are fans by the title of our blog, a reference to the Dharma initiative, a group of scientists that were on the Island in the 1970's.
I have found this to be no ordinary television series. I have witnessed LOST to be a perfect work of art, in the sense that the masterpiece it is allows each viewer to bring themselves into it for their own interpretation. They kept true with this theme from beginning to the end.

There was always the sense of wanting to know the answers to the questions posed by the show. For many of the episodes of the 6 seasons, each answer given only lead to more questions. As the show came to an end, many questions got some form of resolution. However, some of this resolution was gained by paying attention to the show all along. The show itself has become a mosaic on answers and questions, mimicking life in its existence. LOST is a mirror to humanity and spirituality. The end was a stunning and beautiful tribute to the conclusion of the answer that we may not know why or how, but that we exist, we live, we struggle, and we love.

LOST has become what I believe to be the greatest mythological story of our time. It holds up to Homer's Odyssey, the Hindu Vedas, the tales of the Torah and New Biblical Testament. It merged together ancient tales with modern viewpoints, some easily recognized as Biblical, Hindu, Atlantean, and Egyptian; references of modern science, philosophy, books, movies; along with ideas as mysterious as the Island itself. Since childhood I have been an avid reader of myths, legends, and religious beliefs from around the world. The writers of Lost incorporated so many of these into their tale, which I know is the primary reason why I got so deep into this series. I admit I did not have interest in the show for the first season as it was marketed as a drama version of "Survivor", then word of mouth came out that it was nothing like people expected. When Kenna was a newborn and would wake up in the middle of the night, I needed something to help me stay awake along side her. I rented the first season of Lost and was instantly hooked. The quality of the acting, writing, and directing matched those of outstanding movies. I soon had any family and friend I could get to watch it sit down with me and enjoy the show, piecing it together and trying to come up with the answers before they were revealed (if they ever were revealed)

In the course of the next few years we were introduced to characters in such a deep level that many of us fans felt like they were a part of us, that we knew them. Some of them we identified with, some we loved, others we loved to hate. The show was so well executed that the surprises given were rarely if ever predictable. Like life itself, it took us for a ride...some enjoyed it for the whole turn, others deciding to get off halfway through.... and I can say that the ride payed off in a way I could have only hoped. I will greatly miss our Lost nights, but I am so happy to have been able to be a part of this and experience this story in a way that only modern technology could bring it to us.

I am in awe of the culmination of the message of the show, of eternity, love, free will, and fate. LOST is a gift of which I will be forever grateful.

God Speed....

(Transferred from the old blog The Egan Initiative)

I live in a pretty quiet neighborhood, but occasionally we are graced with an awe inspiring sound that few in this world are lucky enough to experience.

8 minutes ago I stood in my backyard and faced east in anticipation of the sight that would come before the sound. First I heard the dogs around the neighborhood start to bark, then I saw the bright light through the trees, racing up to the sky at a speed that cannot help but make you pause. When this flame in the sky had reached about halfway up in my view, a rumble started to come from its direction. It continued to get louder, vibrating the windows of my house and the blood in my veins. Today the air was clear enough and the wind just right to carry the sound to the point you could hear the flames of the Shuttle crackle. Soon the vibrating roar surrounded the air around me and my peacefully sleeping newborn. I watched with a feeling of pride for the good side of humanity as the flame got distant, then sparked as the booster rockets separated from the main part of the shuttle. As the image of the shuttle disappeared it left behind a large line of smoke, brightly illuminated by the sun. The rumble soon faded away, and I came inside the home to watch the shuttle Atlantis live on the television, to get a view of it entering space at over 4000 miles per hour.

I feel very privileged to live so close to something so amazing. It is by no accident that I do; when I was young we would come visit my grandparents here in Brevard county and I always felt I wanted to live here.

My shuttle experiences have not always been spectacular, as the first shuttle launch I witnessed was the tragic launch of the Challenger in January 1986. I remember it very well, stepping out to the patio of my grandfather's condo on that cold day to watch it go up. As it was going up in the air, my grandfather said something was wrong, that it should be going towards the moon, and as he pointed the direction it should be going a large puff of smoke filled the air. The shuttle was no longer making its journey upwards. I had not fully understood the gravity of the situation being that I was 5, but the feeling and images of that day have haunted my memories.

However, my memories are now filled with the many launches I have witnessed since moving to Florida in August of 2005. Each launch has been astounding, and have all been different in their own way. In my opinion nothing can top a night launch, when the shuttle lights up the sky like a sunrise. It is like the sun making a quick appearance in the east, just long enough to say hello, illuminating the blue in the sky. A fantastic sight.

We have only 6 more launches scheduled for our shuttle program. I think it is unfortunate it is being canceled before its replacement, the Ares rockets, are ready to begin. As it stands now, there will be at least a 3 year gap between the programs. I will miss seeing the shuttles go up in the sky, but I am very glad to have been lucky enough to be present during the launches I have seen.

Midnight Sun: Shuttle launch viewed from our backyard, August 27, 2009 at 11:59 pm

The birth of our first little one

(Transferred from the old blog The Egan Initiative)

While waiting for our unborn son's never ending story to unfold I figure now would be a great time to tell the birth story of our daughter, especially since I have never actually written it down.

Her official due date was October 20, 2006. On the 19th of October I went in for the regular weekly exam with my OB. It was about 3 pm when I got out and almost immediately I started to feel some cramping. My sister happened to call to say hi while I was in the parking lot, and I remember telling here how I feel like it is entirely possible I could be starting the labor process. We were both pretty excited though I still wasn't quite sure since the cramps were not terribly strong. I told her that the next time I talked to her there should be another human in the world, then we said our goodbyes and I drove home.

The cramping continued throughout the afternoon, but not frequent enough where I would consider them actual contractions. That pattern didn't really start until later in the evening. Ryan and I were watching 'a file' - we had been watching every X-Files episode on DVD during that year and were winding down to the end. The episode we were watching at the time just happened to be about Dana Scully (the red head for those who don't watch the show) having a child, which was a rare storyline for the show. We had to pause the show for me to call my doctor, since the cramping had become much stronger and more frequent. She said that it was pretty much up to me on if I go at this point (kind of a weird answer, I felt). I told her I would wait it out for it to get stronger. About 20 minutes after that they did get stronger, and I won't go into details too much (but some do know what happens when it gets stronger) and at around 10 pm we decided to drive up to the hospital.

The hospital of our choice was almost 30 minutes from home. There really were none closer but this one seemed quite nice. It was Parrish Medical Center in north Titusville, situated on the Indian River. We got in and I registered, then they escorted me up to the 5th floor maternity ward. The pain was definitely getting stronger at this point and all I wanted to do was lay down. They put me in a hospital bed and continued to ask me a bunch more routine questions. The nurse did an exam and found me dilated to a 3. I guess they felt this wasn't far along enough and called the doctor to see if I should stay. Again her answer was the same...its up to me. I was thinking that at this point I knew the baby was coming and I was not going to drive an hour round trip again anytime soon, so I told them I really wanted to stay.

The night progressed rather slowly. A lot of walking up and down the halls, during which I loved to stop and look at the newborns in the nursery since they were a great inspiration. My back was starting to hurt quite a bit and so Ryan became my massage therapist. I was making it through the contraction pain ok, but by 6 am the back pain was getting so severe I decided to ask for an epidural. I had originally only planned on doing that if I felt it was necessary, which with the painful back labor I was experiencing it became a necessity. While waiting for the anesthesiologist to arrive the pain was getting quite intense in my lower back and making me cry a little. Contractions are nothing compared to back labor, it seemed. Finally at around quarter to 7 he arrived with the long needle that many woman who have had labor are familiar with; I'd normally find it intimidating but at this point I knew its purpose and I strongly welcomed it. His first try wasn't successful, but after the second try he got the catheter in my back and soon there was relief.

It was so nice to be out of pain so I was able to rest for a little while, as was a very tired Ryan. We had not had any sleep that whole night. Later that morning my aunt Karen arrived to help with the birth. She is a nurse at another hospital here in Brevard county. She brought some food for Ryan; which brings me to mind that it isn't easy laboring for hours and not being allowed to eat. Being that I had only progressed to about a dilation of 8 (you are supposed to be a 10) we waited and waited. Around noon my doctor showed up and said she wanted to do a pitocin drip. I was a bit hesitant about this since I felt there was no need to induce a labor already in progress, especially since the baby was doing fantastic - her heartbeat had remained steady the whole time. However, since she was the doc, I trusted her opinion and let her do the drip. They administered the Pitocin and reduced the epidural, and soon the contractions got even stronger. It didn't take long for me to tear in two places, and this ended up requiring almost 4 months of healing.

Around 1:30 I was finally ready to begin the pushing stage. Now this is where the term labor just isn't generous enough. I got extremely hot and went on for hours trying to push her out. Not an easy feat! She just didn't want to come out. Later I found out that her head was facing up rather than down and this is what made it difficult to push her out, as well as the reason why I experienced the painful back labor. The epidural drip was weak enough for me to feel my contractions but I still couldn't feel my legs. Karen and Ryan helped to lift them during pushing. They were a great support team to get through this part of the process. After 2 hours of repeated pushing and trying to cool down in between, our sweet little girl made her grand entrance into the world at 3:21 pm. (I think it is awesome...321 right across the river from NASA).

That moment of a new life beginning is amazing and unforgettable. I was overwhelmed with happiness and love, and moments after her first breath she was in my arms. I couldn't help but cry and tell her I love her, and try to soothe her little baby cries...telling her it was ok. She was so beautiful I almost couldn't handle it. The nurses soon had to take her over to the scales and clean her up. I was completely exhausted at this point but just couldn't take my eyes off of her. My first impression was that she looked like a mini Ryan. She was just adorable.

Anytime I was in her presence I was was completely in awe. Here was this new little human that I had known since the moment she came into this world, and she was amazing. I just loved observing her discover everything in her surroundings. During her first day she was fascinated with her hands and fingers. We had a memorable 2 days in the hospital, which was very helpful for me to get rest, then we made our way home to really get our new life together underway. My adoration of her has grown and grown over the past 3 years and I have always enjoyed watching her discover new things. Being a parent has been amazing and I am so excited to do this again very soon.