Goodby Norma Jean

(Transferred from the old blog The Egan Initiative)

My Grandmother Norma Jean Barnes was laid to rest yesterday. I would like to share some of my fondest memories of her.

We didn't get to visit with Grandma too often while growing up. My family lives all over the US. Grandma Jean and Grandpa Larry lived in the Texas side of Texarkana. My earliest memory of her involves being in Wendover at the age of 3 before my sister was born. The memory is vague, though I sure remember the sounds and lights of the casino.

Years later when I was 12 we had a small family reunion of sorts at our house. The funnest part of the trip was when Grandma took us to the Sports Park for go cart racing. She kicked all of our butts! It is still funny in my mind to see her whipping around the corners. She had mentioned wanting to go bungee jumping but that never quite happened. ;)

For Thanksgiving in 2001 we all got together in Texarkana. She worked so hard at putting together a TON of food...so much we had a large buffet that could have easily fed the whole block. She made 28 pies! That made it almost 2 for each of us. Recently my sister was telling me how during Thanksgiving dinner she flashed everybody. I happened to miss this, though a few days after Thanksgiving she flashed me telling me that is what I have to look forward to when I get older, ha ha. She loved calling me & herself Dallas Cheerleaders because of our 'shape'. She told me her favorite photo of me was an image I got for my 21st birthday in which my face was imposed on a pro cheerleaders body.

She enjoyed music and dancing. While the whole family went bowling on that 2001 trip, she and I would dance on the walkway. I loved how she encouraged a fun and unique spirit.

Ryan and I stopped by to visit Grandma & Grandpa on our move from Utah to Florida in 2004. She loved cats and had the opportunity to meet my dear cat Morrissey. When Morrissey passed away just a few weeks later, she greatly helped me through it. Her last few years were plagued by pain & surgery after surgery. I am glad she no longer has to go through all of that and can be happy and at peace. I'm sure she is up there enjoying the company of Morrissey and my other recently passed cat Sneekers, whom she adored.

I enjoyed our conversations and her quirkiness. I will miss that.


Peace and love to you, Grandma Jean. We had some great times.

Farewell LOST

(Transferred from the old blog The Egan Initiative)

I am still emotional after watching the LOST series finale last night. I can best grasp it is from a combination of the actual events of the show, and that there will be no more. It is a period of mourning and of satisfaction...the last episode hit home that investing myself into this show has been more than worth it.

Anyone with some idea of the stories in Lost would immediately recognize that we are fans by the title of our blog, a reference to the Dharma initiative, a group of scientists that were on the Island in the 1970's.
I have found this to be no ordinary television series. I have witnessed LOST to be a perfect work of art, in the sense that the masterpiece it is allows each viewer to bring themselves into it for their own interpretation. They kept true with this theme from beginning to the end.

There was always the sense of wanting to know the answers to the questions posed by the show. For many of the episodes of the 6 seasons, each answer given only lead to more questions. As the show came to an end, many questions got some form of resolution. However, some of this resolution was gained by paying attention to the show all along. The show itself has become a mosaic on answers and questions, mimicking life in its existence. LOST is a mirror to humanity and spirituality. The end was a stunning and beautiful tribute to the conclusion of the answer that we may not know why or how, but that we exist, we live, we struggle, and we love.

LOST has become what I believe to be the greatest mythological story of our time. It holds up to Homer's Odyssey, the Hindu Vedas, the tales of the Torah and New Biblical Testament. It merged together ancient tales with modern viewpoints, some easily recognized as Biblical, Hindu, Atlantean, and Egyptian; references of modern science, philosophy, books, movies; along with ideas as mysterious as the Island itself. Since childhood I have been an avid reader of myths, legends, and religious beliefs from around the world. The writers of Lost incorporated so many of these into their tale, which I know is the primary reason why I got so deep into this series. I admit I did not have interest in the show for the first season as it was marketed as a drama version of "Survivor", then word of mouth came out that it was nothing like people expected. When Kenna was a newborn and would wake up in the middle of the night, I needed something to help me stay awake along side her. I rented the first season of Lost and was instantly hooked. The quality of the acting, writing, and directing matched those of outstanding movies. I soon had any family and friend I could get to watch it sit down with me and enjoy the show, piecing it together and trying to come up with the answers before they were revealed (if they ever were revealed)

In the course of the next few years we were introduced to characters in such a deep level that many of us fans felt like they were a part of us, that we knew them. Some of them we identified with, some we loved, others we loved to hate. The show was so well executed that the surprises given were rarely if ever predictable. Like life itself, it took us for a ride...some enjoyed it for the whole turn, others deciding to get off halfway through.... and I can say that the ride payed off in a way I could have only hoped. I will greatly miss our Lost nights, but I am so happy to have been able to be a part of this and experience this story in a way that only modern technology could bring it to us.

I am in awe of the culmination of the message of the show, of eternity, love, free will, and fate. LOST is a gift of which I will be forever grateful.

God Speed....

(Transferred from the old blog The Egan Initiative)

I live in a pretty quiet neighborhood, but occasionally we are graced with an awe inspiring sound that few in this world are lucky enough to experience.

8 minutes ago I stood in my backyard and faced east in anticipation of the sight that would come before the sound. First I heard the dogs around the neighborhood start to bark, then I saw the bright light through the trees, racing up to the sky at a speed that cannot help but make you pause. When this flame in the sky had reached about halfway up in my view, a rumble started to come from its direction. It continued to get louder, vibrating the windows of my house and the blood in my veins. Today the air was clear enough and the wind just right to carry the sound to the point you could hear the flames of the Shuttle crackle. Soon the vibrating roar surrounded the air around me and my peacefully sleeping newborn. I watched with a feeling of pride for the good side of humanity as the flame got distant, then sparked as the booster rockets separated from the main part of the shuttle. As the image of the shuttle disappeared it left behind a large line of smoke, brightly illuminated by the sun. The rumble soon faded away, and I came inside the home to watch the shuttle Atlantis live on the television, to get a view of it entering space at over 4000 miles per hour.

I feel very privileged to live so close to something so amazing. It is by no accident that I do; when I was young we would come visit my grandparents here in Brevard county and I always felt I wanted to live here.

My shuttle experiences have not always been spectacular, as the first shuttle launch I witnessed was the tragic launch of the Challenger in January 1986. I remember it very well, stepping out to the patio of my grandfather's condo on that cold day to watch it go up. As it was going up in the air, my grandfather said something was wrong, that it should be going towards the moon, and as he pointed the direction it should be going a large puff of smoke filled the air. The shuttle was no longer making its journey upwards. I had not fully understood the gravity of the situation being that I was 5, but the feeling and images of that day have haunted my memories.

However, my memories are now filled with the many launches I have witnessed since moving to Florida in August of 2005. Each launch has been astounding, and have all been different in their own way. In my opinion nothing can top a night launch, when the shuttle lights up the sky like a sunrise. It is like the sun making a quick appearance in the east, just long enough to say hello, illuminating the blue in the sky. A fantastic sight.

We have only 6 more launches scheduled for our shuttle program. I think it is unfortunate it is being canceled before its replacement, the Ares rockets, are ready to begin. As it stands now, there will be at least a 3 year gap between the programs. I will miss seeing the shuttles go up in the sky, but I am very glad to have been lucky enough to be present during the launches I have seen.

Midnight Sun: Shuttle launch viewed from our backyard, August 27, 2009 at 11:59 pm

The birth of our first little one

(Transferred from the old blog The Egan Initiative)

While waiting for our unborn son's never ending story to unfold I figure now would be a great time to tell the birth story of our daughter, especially since I have never actually written it down.

Her official due date was October 20, 2006. On the 19th of October I went in for the regular weekly exam with my OB. It was about 3 pm when I got out and almost immediately I started to feel some cramping. My sister happened to call to say hi while I was in the parking lot, and I remember telling here how I feel like it is entirely possible I could be starting the labor process. We were both pretty excited though I still wasn't quite sure since the cramps were not terribly strong. I told her that the next time I talked to her there should be another human in the world, then we said our goodbyes and I drove home.

The cramping continued throughout the afternoon, but not frequent enough where I would consider them actual contractions. That pattern didn't really start until later in the evening. Ryan and I were watching 'a file' - we had been watching every X-Files episode on DVD during that year and were winding down to the end. The episode we were watching at the time just happened to be about Dana Scully (the red head for those who don't watch the show) having a child, which was a rare storyline for the show. We had to pause the show for me to call my doctor, since the cramping had become much stronger and more frequent. She said that it was pretty much up to me on if I go at this point (kind of a weird answer, I felt). I told her I would wait it out for it to get stronger. About 20 minutes after that they did get stronger, and I won't go into details too much (but some do know what happens when it gets stronger) and at around 10 pm we decided to drive up to the hospital.

The hospital of our choice was almost 30 minutes from home. There really were none closer but this one seemed quite nice. It was Parrish Medical Center in north Titusville, situated on the Indian River. We got in and I registered, then they escorted me up to the 5th floor maternity ward. The pain was definitely getting stronger at this point and all I wanted to do was lay down. They put me in a hospital bed and continued to ask me a bunch more routine questions. The nurse did an exam and found me dilated to a 3. I guess they felt this wasn't far along enough and called the doctor to see if I should stay. Again her answer was the same...its up to me. I was thinking that at this point I knew the baby was coming and I was not going to drive an hour round trip again anytime soon, so I told them I really wanted to stay.

The night progressed rather slowly. A lot of walking up and down the halls, during which I loved to stop and look at the newborns in the nursery since they were a great inspiration. My back was starting to hurt quite a bit and so Ryan became my massage therapist. I was making it through the contraction pain ok, but by 6 am the back pain was getting so severe I decided to ask for an epidural. I had originally only planned on doing that if I felt it was necessary, which with the painful back labor I was experiencing it became a necessity. While waiting for the anesthesiologist to arrive the pain was getting quite intense in my lower back and making me cry a little. Contractions are nothing compared to back labor, it seemed. Finally at around quarter to 7 he arrived with the long needle that many woman who have had labor are familiar with; I'd normally find it intimidating but at this point I knew its purpose and I strongly welcomed it. His first try wasn't successful, but after the second try he got the catheter in my back and soon there was relief.

It was so nice to be out of pain so I was able to rest for a little while, as was a very tired Ryan. We had not had any sleep that whole night. Later that morning my aunt Karen arrived to help with the birth. She is a nurse at another hospital here in Brevard county. She brought some food for Ryan; which brings me to mind that it isn't easy laboring for hours and not being allowed to eat. Being that I had only progressed to about a dilation of 8 (you are supposed to be a 10) we waited and waited. Around noon my doctor showed up and said she wanted to do a pitocin drip. I was a bit hesitant about this since I felt there was no need to induce a labor already in progress, especially since the baby was doing fantastic - her heartbeat had remained steady the whole time. However, since she was the doc, I trusted her opinion and let her do the drip. They administered the Pitocin and reduced the epidural, and soon the contractions got even stronger. It didn't take long for me to tear in two places, and this ended up requiring almost 4 months of healing.

Around 1:30 I was finally ready to begin the pushing stage. Now this is where the term labor just isn't generous enough. I got extremely hot and went on for hours trying to push her out. Not an easy feat! She just didn't want to come out. Later I found out that her head was facing up rather than down and this is what made it difficult to push her out, as well as the reason why I experienced the painful back labor. The epidural drip was weak enough for me to feel my contractions but I still couldn't feel my legs. Karen and Ryan helped to lift them during pushing. They were a great support team to get through this part of the process. After 2 hours of repeated pushing and trying to cool down in between, our sweet little girl made her grand entrance into the world at 3:21 pm. (I think it is awesome...321 right across the river from NASA).

That moment of a new life beginning is amazing and unforgettable. I was overwhelmed with happiness and love, and moments after her first breath she was in my arms. I couldn't help but cry and tell her I love her, and try to soothe her little baby cries...telling her it was ok. She was so beautiful I almost couldn't handle it. The nurses soon had to take her over to the scales and clean her up. I was completely exhausted at this point but just couldn't take my eyes off of her. My first impression was that she looked like a mini Ryan. She was just adorable.

Anytime I was in her presence I was was completely in awe. Here was this new little human that I had known since the moment she came into this world, and she was amazing. I just loved observing her discover everything in her surroundings. During her first day she was fascinated with her hands and fingers. We had a memorable 2 days in the hospital, which was very helpful for me to get rest, then we made our way home to really get our new life together underway. My adoration of her has grown and grown over the past 3 years and I have always enjoyed watching her discover new things. Being a parent has been amazing and I am so excited to do this again very soon.

Updates, updates

We are all getting excited for the new person arriving in 2 months. Zelda loves giving the baby kisses (on the belly). Yesterday I told her that the baby wanted a kiss since she gave me one, and she took that as meaning the baby wanted to giver her a kiss, since she promptly laid her cheek where she assumes his head to be and waited a moment before she gave him a kiss in return.

She has been so full of creativity and imagination lately. It has been a lot of fun to watch. Weeks ago she was shuffling around on the carpet. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied "walking like a penguin." She loves to impersonate animals, be it by sounds or movements. "A turtle goes like this," and she swings her arm, "and an owl goes like this: hoo hoo!". She was bringing me her stuffed animals recently. I tossed one to the other side of the room, and she ran over to it and picked it up in her mouth, then crawled over to me, dropped it in my lap and barked. I don't quite know where her idea to do that came from but it was hilarious, and she still does it occasionally.

Last week we received a generous gift from my parents. They gave us their Ford Focus, just so long as we could get it from Utah to Florida. Our friends Dustin & Jeff drove it out in a record 3 days! It was awesome to visit with them, though the visit was extremely short; they arrived around 10pm and had to leave for a very early flight back home the next morning. We hung out a bit then I suggested we go to the beach. It was lovely out...overcast and a little bit of rain, but easy enough to see since there was a full moon behind the clouds. Boogas fell asleep in the car on the way there, and we laid her down on a towel on the beach. She soon woke up, looked around her, and said "Sand!". She loves to play in the sand, and is still intimidated by the waves, so Ryan & I took turns hanging out with her while the other went to the warm waves. Dustin & Ryan were the only two with swimsuits, so they got all the way in the water. Hopefully it was awesome enough to entice them back for another more extended stay.

The car we got works great, and it is so reassuring to know we now have a second car just in case. Plus I am a lot happier when Ryan takes it to work as I don't have to worry as much as when he is on his scooter. I trust him enough on that but I don't trust other drivers to see him. I almost got hit in my Echo on the way to the office of my midwife 2 weeks ago. Thank goodness no one was in the lane on the right of me so I could swerve away from the car merging right into where I was. People are just so oblivious sometimes it freaks me out.

Speaking of my midwife, she is awesome, and I am so excited to have her this time around. My last doctor was more of the type of person that treated pregnancy & birth like a disease to be worked on rather than its own special process. I wish I would have found the lady I'm going to be using this time. Her name is Lila, and she works in partnership with an OB doctor who is just as cool; just in case there are complications the doctor takes over. Otherwise Lila will be there through it all. Zelda loves her, so that is a good sign. 8 1/2 more weeks until the due date. The baby is getting a whole lot more active, in an entirely different way than Zelda was. She seemed to be dancing all the time in the womb...lots of arm and leg movements. Link, on the other hand, does a lot of stretching and strong single movements. Can't wait to meet him. :D

Having a Boy

Here is an entry that is long overdue.

My birthday was quite the fun filled day. It started out with our first ultrasound in which we were going to find out if our little one is going to be a boy or a girl. Jen joined along since the ultrasound doc didn't allow other kids in the room. So while Jen & Zelda played outside the hospital, Ryan and I got to see a peek at our little one. They did a lot more with this ultrasound than with Zelda's. They spent a lot more time on it, and even had an option of getting a video recording. Very soon into the ultrasound we knew what it was...obviously a boy. They didn't even technically tell us what it was for several minutes, and really didn't need to; during a view of him from the front I noticed there was quite the difference between his and our daughter's ultrasound. So there you have it, we'll be having one of each. We are very excited. A great thing, too, as I've had his name picked out for years.

They showed us many things during the ultrasound, such as his leg bones, brain, heart, stomach, even a colored view of the blood flow in the umbilical chord. He was not very active, as opposed to Zelda, who just didn't sit still. I recall that she even made a silly, scrunched up face as soon as she was viewed on the ultrasound, and it made the nurse & I laugh quite a bit. I have noticed that as a consistent difference between the two of them. His movements are not as frequent, but when they happen they are very strong. Zelda on the other hand I had nicknamed 'the skanking baby' since it felt like she was dancing in my belly, arms and legs moving very often and quickly. I am so excited to meet my son in person in a few months and get to know him.

Here is the video, and a few photos:




































As we were going downstairs to find Zelda & Jen we ran into them when the elevator opened. Such good timing. Naturally they were the first we told of the news that we are having a boy. Zelda didn't quite get it, and was more interested in the little umbrella she had which she said was like Mary Poppins. It had been a raining morning and was slated to be a rainy day...which would later affect our other plans.

We went home to get a few things so we could go to Disney. They have a special this year where let you in for free on your birthday. Ryan had a discounted pass so adding another day for him only cost around $30. We got there around 1, planning on getting some pictures taken since I needed a portrait for Zelda's 2nd year, then playing around the park. We managed to get just a few at the entrance to the park when rain started. And boy did it rain! We trudged through it to Toon Town since we could meet the characters inside, and out of the rain. After meeting most of them it was soon apparent that everyone else had the same idea. We stuck around for a bit then ventured back outside with hopes we could at least go on one indoor ride. The rain was coming down harder than I have ever seen it other than a tropical storm. We were soaked, even with having ponchos and umbrellas. Most outdoor rides were closed and the indoor rides were packed. We decided to leave the Magic Kingdom around 4, only 3 hours after we got there. It seemed as though everyone was leaving at the same time. We then went to Wolfgang Pucks for my birthday dinner & celebration of our new little one. The food was amazing. By this time the rain had let up a bit, but storm clouds were all around us so we new the break was temporary. Instead of going back to the parks we decided to call it a day.

I had waited weeks to post this since I was trying to get a registry online for a site I used last time that specializes in cloth diapers, but after a month they still haven't gotten it together. We are pretty much set with what we need for his arrival; just need to get some boyish clothes and more cloth diapers. I know some people want to get us a few gifts; we are looking at getting Sopoeasy diapers, size small (can be found at http://www.bluepenguin.biz/ ) , and as for clothes anything from Threadless is awesome. Other than that we are good to go.

I am very excited about our little boy. Zelda talks about him often and is slowly getting the idea, even coming up and kissing my belly every now and then. 3 1/2 months and counting......

Farewell

It has been only hours since the world was told the news of the death of Michael Jackson. I must say a part of me was surprised about how much it affected me. I first heard of him being brought to the hospital in the 5 o'clock news headlines. 45 minutes later I logged in to check Facebook and a friend had said that he died...I at first didn't beleive it. I turned on the TV, and they were talking about it, saying that the news came in that he was pronounced dead. A split second of shock was followed by tears. No way...not yet, it can't be.... and then opened up reflections on just how much of an influence he was on my life. His passing on is like the marking of the end of an era, and end to my childhood. There is no doubt his influence will live on.

I remember the first time I was introduced to Michael like it was yesterday. I was quite young and at a birthday party for a daughter of one of my mom's friends, whose name was Sue. At some point in the party many of the adults were inside and going to watch something on the TV. It turned out to be Thriller. I remember one person telling me it was scary and I shouldn't watch it, but I was too intrigued to turn away. I fell in love instantly! Soon I was given the Thriller album on tape. I still have it, bearing a star my mom drew on the side with Billy Jean, which was my favorite song on the whole album. I had a little tape player/speaker combo that I brought with me everywhere and listened to the tape. I'm sure there are many people I subjected to my Michael Jackson infatuation over the years. ;) Later that same year for Christmas I was given a Michael Jackson Thriller doll, which I still have...though I have since lost his shoes, sunglasses, and silver glove. I had a poster of him at my bed. All by the age of 4.

Over my growing years I formed a life long adoration of singing and dance which I attribute to him. I realized last night just how much of who I am was influenced by my first childhood 'crush'. I used to dance and sing to his music in the backyard, imagining that I was also a famous singer. Such good times. I know that because of him I love skinny guys...so really Ryan has him to thank, too, ha ha... not to mention that I always that it was awesome when guys wear eyeliner, and even down to the fashion influence having me always loving black and a bit more of the goth style...I know it all surfaced from him. I also realized last night while watching some recaps of him and just mesmerized by his glittery outfits that my love of glitter must have been born through my love of him too. I even broke my arm when I was 8 because I was doing my own version of what I saw him do in the music video "The Way you Make me Feel"; he climbed through a window of a car, and I was doing the same thing only I decided it would be cool to sit on the window sill for a while. Next thing I knew I was hurt and on the ground. Whenever anything of Michael came on TV my parents would record it for me on what would be much used VHS tapes. I watched Moonwalker all the time. Whenever I see Joe Pesci I first associate him with the bad guy in Moonwalker. That movie was the first time I realized the Beatles could be cool, since he performed "Come Together" in it.

Even when his popularity waned during the 90s I never stopped loving him. I'd listen to his tape in my car all the time, not caring what others thought, though I just loved it when someone else enjoyed it as much as I did. Old school Michael is classic. You can't top it, and pop music could never escape his talented influence. Any time he is played at the dance clubs I'd get giddy and feel like a kid again. I used to love going to Disney's Pleasure Island while it was still open since they played him frequently at 8Trax. I even opened up our housewarming party last year playing the music video for Rock With You (woohoo, glitter)

I regret I will never be able to see him perform live. I was all set to do whatever I could to see him on his planned upcoming tour. We have lost an amazing talent, one I honestly believe will never be equaled in the field of pop music ever. Much love to Michael & his family, and many thanks for all he has meant for me.



















First photo: With my cousin Alyssa in Oregon listening & dancing to Michael on my tape player. Andrea was never much of a fan, ha ha.
Second Photo: Christmas when I got my MJ doll. You can see my tape player on the floor below him. Knowing me I was trying to play along with the song while pretending he was singing.
Third Photo: At Pleasure Island having a great time dancing to Billy Jean in 2008